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Before I begin I want to say this topic covers any relationship be it vanilla or non-vanilla, the concepts of feelings and actions applies to most relationships in life and what is discussed is my personal opinion and it is different for everyone, hope by sharing my thoughts it can express normal human feelings.. My Past Relationships and my past haunted me for many years the end of a major relationship in rl and online were devestating, both relationships were very abusive mentally and physically……….they drained my inner being and clouded all my feelings about everything around me and internally. I built a very big wall around myself as I thought it was protection, guarding myself from anyone or anything.

star-2When these relationships ended I blamed myself for everything that happened and all events; even when very abusive and far from normal events, I didn’t look at  the whole picture. I questioned myself constantly……was my nature too kind?……did I give too purely?……..did i do something wrong?……did i act a certain way?………..did I serve wrongly?, these questions would repeat over and over swallowing me with great self doubt and blaming myself repeatedly, convincing myself that I was the person in the wrong.  Hence as a broken person it led on to making very bad choices in my life deriving from past feelings and a negative outlook.  It created a great deal of negativity as a person, drowning me in upset and a great lack of confidence, leading onto insecurities and inability to function…….a viscious circle was on full spin and I started to notice patterns in my behaviour.  I was on a rollercoaster that wouldnt stop.  For self balance, help and sanity I had to address this major issue immediately.  I began by receiving Counselling a service I had never taken up, considered or felt I needed.  Telling someone actually how I was feeling and talking about past opened doors for me.  It made me think about the main principles of any relationship be it vanilla or non-vanilla…. these principles were communication, trust, care, understanding, self image, strength and development.  I realised my mindset had been changed previously and it had dropped me in a very dark place. The only way I was going to change was moving upwards and to grow by my past, use it as a strength not a weakness, develop as a person and learn.  Now I wont lie it takes time and lots of hard work but each day I became stronger, confident, emotionally stable.


My outlook and mindset became more positive and I quickly realised that internally I was happy and glowing, the results I began to see around me and internally felt stronger.  I realised in conclusion for any relationship you are entering vanilla and non-vanilla you have to be strong in your self, emotionally stable, trusting, confident, open and have a good self image.   Thank you for reading.


EVOLVING — 12 Comments

  1. I do identifiy a lot with that text…i was trying to rebuilt my self after a lot of mis trusts and abuses…i was getting the help of a Master it felt good and he suddenly decided to leave not all of what i rebuilt it gone but i do feel even deeply all the doubts and insecurities i used to feel when he arrived into my Life…i now ill need to Work harder to feel better but for the moment i feel kind of lost and i am becoming angry and bitter at him at my Self and i dont want to Selfdestruct….i was Just working in order to evovle….and with my master leaving me behind (Its his right and i do know it of course) i Just feel that i need to climb the Everest by my Self and i dont have the energy for it….

  2. Wonderful blog post, thank you for sharing.

    I completely agree with you, after you have hit rock bottom and blamed youself for everything that has ever happened, you need to start rebuilding from the inside.

    I used to think that everything would come right in time, but I was wrong, it only gets rebuilt if “you” put the work in to rebuild it, whether you have support or not. It’s easier, however, if you have someone to give you guidance. After all, you wouldn’t rebuild a house without getting advice from someone who knows how to do it.:-)

  3. Very eloquent.

    I recently had a shift and it was wonderful to feel so free from the past. I found once I accepted it – truly then transformation was immediate, better relationships, better self care, more confident, able to submit joyfully and the strength to unravel and clear all those old behaviors, thoughts and perception.

    Excellent share.

  4. I have to say that I have simaler issues me marriage was devistaiting he claimed to be a Master yet there was abuse. I have been doughting myself questioning everything about me. As a sub\slave I have constantly been feeling that everything that’s happened was my fault.

    Now reading this gives me hope that I can get through this. I am a survivor I will never be a victim again. Thank you for this and letting me see I am not the only one that has felt this way.

  5. An absolutely amazing read! My congratulations on your success in overcoming your trauma. It is truly remarkable and you are to be commended. I sincerely trust your growth will continue. My best to your Master, yourself and all others of whom you find to be a support system.

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