Understanding BDSM

BDSM and slave training: BDSM has a fluid definition described at the bottom of the article. Most Masters that train a slave girl are also involved in BDSM play, but not all. Generally a Master uses bdsm as a training tool to deepen slavery as well as engaging in scene play for fun.  Using it as a

BDSM

BDSM – Image by Derek Bowden a fellow memeber of B.E.S.T.

training tool is often a different use and approach than meeting for s&m scene play.  Just remember that you should always consider what is safe, sane and consensual bdsm play based upon your experience level.

Many Tops and bottoms will meet only for scene play then move on without any intent of a long-term relationship. For them the bdsm scene play is the end result.  Many refer to it as “meet. beat and forget.”   For the Master/slave relationship bdsm scene play is not only for fun in the present but  also used to prepare the slave for the future.

Public dungeons are places where dominants and submissives meet to engage in open bdsm scene play. It is one or more rooms filled with wonderful BDSM dungeon equipment.   The equipment is often to big or expensive for one person to own in his home. Some dungeon equipment is quite imaginative and complex.   I like the St. Andrews Cross which is a simple device used to tie a slave open before you. Most of it can be used both on a submissive male  or a submissive female .
I have expose beams in my house that can easily be used for s&m play.  It is a timberframe home that I designed and  built which is also called a Post & Beam design.  It by it’s very design and structure has a built in dungeon because of all the overhead exposed beams running through the house (mostly in master bedroom and livingroom).  Wonder why I built that kind of home??? :-)   Care to guess?

The goal of a Master training a slave is to train her to serve, obey and please him as he wishes. He molds his slave to fit his need and wants. He uses bdsm as a step in the process.  BDSM when used as a training tool is never an end result but a step along the way. Oh BDSM is fun and just as much fun for a Master/slave if not more but it is not “meet, beat and forget.”  The spanking of a slave, bondage, flogging, whippings, clamping and all the rest are intense fun in and of themselves without considering it part of slave training.  But when combined into the training program, bdsm takes on a beautiful duel purposed not always found in other scene play.

Now don’t misunderstand this post, I see absolutely nothing wrong with pubic scene play in any form including “meet, beat & forget” play. We are talking about adults engaging in a consensual act that harms no one.  It fulfills a need in both the Top and bottom. Some Tops and bottoms meet at public dungeons or play parties only for scene play.  Tops and bottoms don’t necessarily have or want a long-term BDSM relationship outside the walls of the dungeon. It can mimic a one night stand that leaves you black and blue.   It is an act of alternative intimacy and connection not abuse.

This BDSM intimacy is nothing to be scoffed at.   I have engaged in public and private bdsm activities as a Master training a slave or just meeting a submissive for scene play. But the main focus of this website is to discuss slave training so I generally approach the subject of BDSM within this site from the standpoint of how it can be used for slave training.   For a Master that is training a slave  bdsm is intwined with slave training.   BDSM can easily be woven into behavior, emotion & sensation, self-image and thoughts training which are the foundations of  B.E.S.T. slave training.

BDSM is a intimate interaction not abuse.

Consensual BDSM is a connection between the parties involved in actual play and sometimes it involves  those around them. It’s a unique intimate interaction not an abusive or violent act.  BDSM scene play can take many different forms; some very sensual in nature  while others engage in intense acts involving pain.  Many forms of play involve some form of  sensory deprivation.

BDSM does not have to only be enjoyed by a master training his slave. Many good Tops can create very intense and or sensual scene play.  You only have to witness or participate in a scene were a slave goes into sub-space * and followed by after-care for this to become crystal clear.  The interaction is profound and even more so where there is already an emotional connection between the parties involved.

BDSM is a form of control and surrender that involves intimacy for many involved.  It is far more than a weekend  bdsm clubs or kinky sex.  It is a diverse community.   In many cities there is a large gay bdsm community.   Many associate the lifestyle with bdsm sex toys and yes they are a part of it but they don’t define the lifestyle.

For myself, usually in early slave training I view bdsm scene play with a slave trainee as part of the molding process. I usually gear it to help mold her yielding to my choices for her.  To me it seems to be a natural training tool and a beautiful form of intimacy.

Well after saying all this let me say that it is also just plain fun; as Sigmund Freud once said “sometime a cigar is just a cigar” …. so the scene play may well be just for fun :-) Interestingly Freud is the major reason for the negative view of BDSM in the field of psychology and law.   Freud combined the terms sadism and masochism first used by Psychoanalyst Richard Von Krafft-Ebing into the term sadomasochism.   Interestingly both men never saw bdsm as anything but abuse.  Freud believes that a male could not be a masochist and a female couldn’t be a sadist.  Intimacy was never considered by these two men.  Go figure.  I discuss it more on the second page of this link.   It is part of an entire section on BDSM.

The beauty of BDSM

Yes,  bdsm is fun and should be enjoyed at times  just for itself  but in early training that fun can also be a gigantic training tool.  It is also a beautiful time of self-discovery for a submissive trainee with little or no prior experience in bdsm if she is in the hands of the right master.   In addition,  experiencing new play is exciting for both Master and slave.   Both Master and slave often are very surprised at what they find beautiful and enjoyable scene play.

The beauty of bdsm play for me in the interaction with the slave girl tied before me.  It’s hard to explain.  Not sure I want to try.  There is a “domspace”  as well as a “subspace.”

Often, bondage gives a slave the feeling of helplessness that aids in taking her deeper into the mood of  a bdsm scene and subspace.

It is important that when you engage in new forms of play that you seek advice from someone experienced that that kind of play.  That includes simple rope bondage to suspension bondage, fire play, use of the bullwhip and most other play.  You have another life in your heads so learn your skills first. Be sane about it.

*subspace  When a master causes a slave to experience pain and pleasure during bdsm scene play it stimulates her body to release epinephrines from her suprarenal glands and also triggers the release of endorphins.   This along with the scene itself causes the slave to enter a trance-like state.   Aftercare is the process of bring her back from this state and the final part of the scene play.   The bdsm scene play does not end until she returns from this trance-like state  (or it should not end until then).  I have seen Tops avoid aftercare and later wonder why no one wants to play with them.

SAFETY and BDSM –   safe, sane and consensual

Safety is always a primary area of concern.  No matter what form of bdsm you like you should know the safety procedures before you start.  Being safe, sane & consensual is the guiding principle of bdsm.   A public dungeon is a very good place to learn both safety and proper procedure.  you can also seek out an experienced dominant in your area.  Many are willing to help.  Never take safety lightly.   Some scene play you should never attempt without training.

Use commons sense.  One of the key concepts of owning a slave as your property is to be responsible for your own actions and be safe.  You are responsible.   If you are around those engaging in bdsm very long you will here those words “safe, sane & consensual”  use time and again.  Take heed and learn to be safe.  Let me say it again.  You will find many in the lifestyle willing to help you learn safe procedures for the type of play you like.  If you are a slave or bottom involved in bdsm you should also know what is safe dom procedures for your own safety.

Be honest about your actual experience level with any particular form of bdsm play. That goes for both Top and bottom.   If you lie to her about your knowledge and experience to get her to play with you then that is not consensual scene play but deception on your part.   Be honest.  If you don’t tell the Top your actual experience level then you are not helping him understand how to conduct the scene and increasing the chances of a bad experience.  Be honest.

If she is not your slave then you only engage in the type of bdsm play agreed to before it starts.   If you go beyond that with a submissive then it is no longer  clearly consensual.   You are quickly traveling into unsafe and nonconsensual activities.

As for as the sane part, unfortunately a lot of the responsibility for detecting who is sane is on the submissives’ shoulders.   Again use common sense when discussing play with a potential bdsm partner.   What do you actually know about him and his experience level.   Unfortunately there are those that cloak a desire to abuse in bdsm.  Be careful and take the time to actually know your partner first before engaging in play.  Ask around about him. Fine out what you can about him.  We all know there are abuser be on the lookout for them.

Use a safeword. Two sets of rules.   One for slaves you own and one for others you play with.

Generally slaves are not allowed safewords that infers a command to stop what you are doing.   A safeword from a bottom is a command you must obey, period.   A safeword is a prearranged  code word conveying information from the bottom to the top.   The safeword “RED”  is often used to mean STOP the play now.

I, even with my slaves, use a safeword just incase they need to tell me of a problem.   You should also.  Granted a slave is given no safeword that orders me to stop play but I do want to know how she is processing the scene.

AGAIN,  with a submissive that is not your slave the submissive’s safeword is a legitimate command for you to STOP what you are doing or END the play altogether.   That means at once you stop.  Any act beyond that with a submissive you don’t own as a slave is not consensual or sane or safe.  Don’t do it.

MEANING OF BDSM and THOUGHTS about the LIFESTYLE

BDSM = “B&D” (Bondage & Discipline)  +  “D&S” (Dominance & Submission), and/or  “S&M” (sadomasochism).  Freud  and Krafft-Ebing’s  terms (sadism, masochism and sadomasochism) with no intent to include intimacy and caring are far off the mark.  Thank goodness modern psychology is moving away from this silly and harmful definition.

BDSM is intended to be a fluid definition that describes a lifestyle and activities within the lifestyle.  Think of it as encompassing all within the lifestyle.

I think each person forms a unique image in there mind for the word “bdsm”  based upon several factors such as the type of play witnessed, experienced, or wanted.   But even with that unique and personal definition it is understood by all involved.   As a Master, to me, part of the meaning of bdsm involves it being a tool to train a slave to better serve me.

The word “BDSM” like the phrase  “slave training” forms a bond among people with no national, or religious or racial boundaries.  We may not otherwise know each other but it unifies us into a common love, cause and experience.  We are one without borders with no intent to cause harm to others.   We are bigger and have far more influence then we realize.   We are a caring huge family under the tent of bdsm.  We may not agree always on religious, political or economic concepts but we have this unique way of holding hands across the world with each other –  It is called bdsm.

BDSM Book from Amazon

7 thoughts on “Understanding BDSM”

  1. When I started down the road into slave I was afraid of any “BDSM” activities that might involve restraint or pain. Now I’d be afraid if I never experienced it again. I love tight bondage then being flogged. It takes me where I need to be taken and Master knows it.

    I have experienced other things but being tied up and flogged gets my vote as number 1. To many that may seem tame and it is I guess but that is what enables me to best release all that is in me. There is a calmness afterward I never expected.

  2. I too was concerned at times, just unsure of what my Master would do. Now if I have to sleep without my chains it just doesn’t feel right. Most nights I am roped to the bed for some period of time to remind me of my station ( as he says). He often just sits beside me and caresses me. It is not always about the flogging or whipping. But it is about the care and the mental state I go to when in am restrained regularly. There is nothing like good tight bondage and a nice flogging!

  3. I am new to BDSM (only 3 months) and have a wonderful mistress, Maitresse Synthia. She also has a slave boy ben of 7 years. I can honestly say I completely trust her regarding my limits, safety and all around well being. I am opening my mind and look forward to new experiences and challenges each day :)

  4. My husband and I have talked about trying bdsm for quite sometime now. I have very little experience in bdsm but do want to learn. As I understand trust means everything and I trust him with my life but it still makes me a little nervous. How can I get passed this nervous feeling??

  5. for this slave its about letting go completely. Imagine, you do not have to worry any longer, if you have failed for anything! that is His job, and He will act accordingly. All you have to do from now on be as obedient and correct as can be, as He orders you to, and accept guidance, correction and naturally punishments.
    you do not have to be nervous, if someone may be nervous it’s Him, the Master. His responsibility, not yours. your responsibility is solely focussing on His pleasure and welbeing, not your own. When and if you live this consequently, you will be deliberated and free of any burden from now on – and Your Master: well, if He is a true Master this grade of control over a human being will bring Him all the fulfillment He too needs, but being a good Master is not easy, and not everyone can cope with that sort of responsibility.

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