bdsm lifestyle

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The B.D.S.M. lifestyle  (BDSM) involves erotic sex­ual inter­ac­tion,  con­sen­sual restrain­ing a “bot­tom” or “sub­mis­sive”, sen­sory stim­u­la­tion, whip­ping, sub­mis­sion and role-playing.  It is an acronym that included other acronyms. Exam­ples are: B&D (Bondage & Dis­ci­pline), D&S (Dom­i­nance & Sub­mis­sion), and S&M (sado­masochism). “BDSM” is a catch-all phrase used in con­junc­tion with the word lifestyle.  BDSM play involves a dom­i­nant and sub­mis­sive or Top and bot­tom engaged in an agreed alter­na­tive intimacy.

So the term BDSM lifestyle cov­ers about all that is done or will be done.  Indi­vid­u­als engag­ing in the prac­tices of the lifestyle are often called ” bdsm’er”.  For many bdsm’er, the lifestyle is as much a belief sys­tem as well as a way of play. It bonds oth­er­wise dif­fer­ent indi­vid­u­als into a com­mon lifestyle.

It involves more than bondage, grab­bing your sub­mis­sive and giv­ing her a good spank on the butt, kinky like style cloth­ing or kinky sex (kinky­sex).  An active cul­ture extends around the world and like-minded peo­ple often meet for “play par­ties” where bdsm is prac­ticed freely.  It’s often referred to as an alter­na­tive intimacy.

BDSM can focus only on sex­ual or non-sexual play or a com­bi­na­tion of the two.  Play can be soft, sen­sual or very intense sado­masochism that includes pain.   The type of scene play depends on what the part­ners want.  In true bdsm scene play every­thing done is consensual.

BDSM Lifestyle & per­sonal choice

There are free online dat­ing ser­vices and per­son­als and many do offer you advice.  It is a way of life that  involved per­sonal choices and is a highly indi­vid­u­al­ized.  There is no mas­ter rule book or mas­ter plan that all fol­low.  Let me be clear, BDSM is not domes­tic vio­lence, child abuse, or phys­i­cal abuse.  It is a con­sen­sual act  between two or more adults.   Within the lifestyle the word “con­sen­sual” is implied and demanded for others.

There are many how to (howto) books and videos that make it easy to learn about the play.  This web­site is not about play but about the train­ing of a slave to serve, obey and please her mas­ter in a long-term rela­tion­ship.   B.D.S.M play such as detailed in the book “Fifty Shades of Grey”  is not the same as dis­cussed on this web­site.   Here a slave makes a deci­sion to be owned by her Mas­ter.  There is a “power exchange.”  She makes a “choice deci­sion”  mean­ing she makes a choice to grant her mas­ter author­ity to make deci­sions for her.

Slav­ery (per this lifestyle) refers to a dom­i­nant (male or female) own­ing a sub­mis­sive per­son (male for female) as  prop­erty with no break in own­er­ship.  It is a spe­cial type rela­tion­ship called a Master/slave rela­tion­ship. It is not a week­end game. It’s a con­sen­sual power exchange where the slave grants her Mas­ter author­ity over her deci­sions.  It is a lifestyle.

In very gen­eral terms a per­son being con­trolled by another is called a sub­mis­sive. How­ever, not all sub­mis­sives are slaves, though all slaves are usu­ally con­sid­ered submissive.

The terms bot­tom, sub­mis­sive, and slave refer to some­one with a sub­mis­sive per­son­al­ity but only the term slave means she is the prop­erty of her Master.

Dom­i­nants are referred to as Top, Dom­i­nant or Mas­ter (Mis­tress).   In play a Top and bot­tom will meet for play with no real focus on a rela­tion­ship or power exchange other than a brief period.   It is more about bondage, flog­ging and so on.   A Dom­i­nant and sub­mis­sive rela­tion­ship involves a more direct rela­tion­ship than just meet­ing for bdsm play.  A Master/slave rela­tion­ship involves a total exchange of power.

Above all, it is a con­sen­sual alter­na­tive inti­macy that although con­trolled and guided by the dom­i­nant  it is not just about the dom­i­nant get­ting what  he or she wants.  It is geared to the sub­mis­sive get­ting what they want to expe­ri­ence as well.

B.D.S.M.  is a rela­tion­ship alter­na­tive lifestyle

The lifestyle may or may not involve polyamory, bondage or any other kinky prac­tice. It depends on you and your kink.   If you are new you can often find life style coach­ing avail­able in many bdsm orga­ni­za­tion and com­mu­nity groups.  Play safe…

Book on the B.D.S.M. lifestyle — Con­sen­sual Sado­masochism: How to Talk about it & How to do it safely

Masochism equals inti­macy not abuse.  BDSM does not make you sick

ROY F. BAUMEISTER, PH.D.  is cur­rently a pro­fes­sion of Psy­chol­ogy at Florida State.   He  con­ducted research on the self includ­ing var­i­ous con­cepts related to how peo­ple per­ceive, act, and relate to their selves. Baumeis­ter wrote a chap­ter titled, “The Self” in The Hand­book of Social Psychology.

In an arti­cle  “Masochism: An Alter­na­tive Inti­macy”  The Spec­ta­tor (Vol. 22, No. 14 June 30-July 6, 1989)  Dr. Baumeis­ter says that:

1) New research find­ings have changed our under­stand­ing of sex­ual masochism.  It gives us a dif­fer­ent pic­ture of BDSM

2) Once psy­chol­ogy took a very dim view of S&M. … assum­ing  it to be a men­tally ill .. and .. prob­a­bly dan­ger­ous indi­vid­u­als full of guilt.

3)  Today we know that masochists live nor­mal, well-adjusted lives. they are pretty much like any­one else.

4) Masochism is not a sign of being sick or maladjusted.

Dr. Baumeis­ter says that masochism is a means of escape … from every­day life, from prob­lems and wor­ries.  Masochism allows escape from your iden­tify and bondage takes away control.

In con­clu­sion Dr. Baumeis­ter says “If you are a masochist, …the main thing is not to worry that there’s some­thing wrong with you. There are prob­a­bly a cou­ple mil­lion other Amer­i­cans with the same desires, and the vast major­ity of them are healthy and well-adjusted.”

Addi­tional infor­ma­tion: Other TERMS for scene play