A look at a slave’s Vulnerability in the bdsm lifestyle and slave training.

Vulnerability

by Master Stuart’s Pet

 

Coming to terms with complete vulnerability. (in the bdsm lifestyle).

Before my relationship with my Master the thought of being open, needy, known and vulnerable was completely and utterly horrific. I was strong and independent. A very private person, not given to sharing my inner most feelings, even with close friends. I don’t think you’d find one who would use the words vulnerable to describe me. Then again, in a self-description the word would have been conspicuous by its very absence. So imagine my surprise when my Master told me, quite early on in our relationship, that his goal was for me to become completely dependant and vulnerable. My Master has been open and explicit in nearly all his goals for me. This one was no different.

I welcomed the idea of that complete dependence but was unsure how it would happen, if it would happen. Now, a little way down the line here I am, my Master’s slave, vulnerable, dependant and completely owned and I still have no idea how or when it happened.

My transition from novice sub to trained sub to enslaved collared pet was a speedy one. I think I both surprised and pleased my Master. I had so much to learn in such a short space of time. I honestly think most of my independence disappeared while I wasn’t looking. Even though my Master guided me through many changes, in the way I thought and the way I acted. Nothing felt wrong or out of place. It was only through reading my journal that I became aware of them. The way I thought and acted was completely different from the way I thought and acted a few short months before. I honestly thought who I am now was the person I had always been. It all felt natural and normal. My Master being the centre of my world was, well, just how it was supposed to be. On the whole my loss of independence was a passing that was neither noted nor mourned.

Then as so often happens you have an OMG moment, a moment of crystal clarity that underlines the changes and all they entail. Mine came as a result of a punishment, one that was nearly a week away. The reason for the punishment no longer matters. It is over and the lesson has been learned. Rather, it was my reaction that made me think ‘oh my god’.

First some background. As my Master and I do not currently live together, Master has installed an anxiety response to underline and make tangible his displeasure and control. He can activate it and deactivate it vocally. I have to explain at this point, my Master is a psychological Master. He is very knowledgeable in his field and very, very good at it. So please be under no illusion here, just one word from my Master can reduce me to a quivering, wrenched and pitiful sight. This will only stop when I apologize, on my knees, before my Master and accept any punishment that my Master deems suitable.

This particular situation began with the activation of the anxiety response. Master left it to run for the next couple of days, then as we were to see each other the next day He told me I had experienced enough angst and could let go of it. The only problem was, I couldn’t. In my head it wasn’t dealt with. I hadn’t begged forgiveness, I hadn’t accepted punishment. The disobedience I had exhibited was so bad, in my own head, that even with my Masters permission I could not let it go.

This may not sound like a big deal. But it was what it signified that is important. My need for my Master to make it right was so strong that even with permission I could not give it up. It was then that I began to realize how vulnerable I truly was. How much I needed my Master and just how much I depended on him. This came as a bit of a shock to a once independent mother of two. When you have children you understand that their vulnerability and innocence have to be protected. You put ‘the mummy head’ on and look after your children. Now here I am, just as vulnerable as a child, only not so innocent. I am now completely, for the first time since I was a small child, dependant on another. That was the, ‘Oh my God’ moment.

Benefits of vulnerability.

I would like to take the opportunity to refute a myth: women who are dependent on their Masters are not sad pathetic creatures. Not at all. In fact they are confident, well-adjusted individuals who have a level of protection and love most other women can only dream of.

When you reach this level of surrender the big fear is that you will lose yourself. Not true. If your Master wanted you enough to claim you this completely, why would he then change your core, your essence? He may tweak the odd thing, the odd behavior that he finds unpleasing. But you will still be you.

My self esteem is intact, better in fact than it has been in years thanks in no small part to my Master. He wants a happy, healthy slave. So he does all he can to make sure I have a positive outlook on both my enslavement and myself. He tells me that I am loved, safe and cared for. I feel all of those things all the time.

And yes, you get protection. My Master told me a few days after the OMG incident, that as I had made myself as vulnerable as a child to him I deserved, and would receive the same protection he would give to a child. Nothing would ever be my fault again. All I have to do is obey him, and he will stand before me in all things.

 

Levels of commitment (to slavery).

One thing that has occurred to me whilst writing this is that the level of vulnerability is linked very closely to the level of the slave’s commitment. This may sound like it should have been blindingly obvious but some things only become apparent when you take a step back and take a close look at your journey and all the things you have learned. I think that is why my Master wanted me to write this. To gain some perspective on how far I have come. To be proud of my achievements and who I am. It is so easy to get caught up in the romance of being a slave you tend to forget the work you have to put in. Like most things if there is something worth having there is usually a price. Having your independence taken is not an easy thing to come to terms with.

My Master was, as I have said, very open with his goals for me right from the outset. But knowing and doing are oceans apart. Your Master will want to take over your thoughts, control you actions. If he is anything like mine he will mess with your head to get the thoughts and behaviors He finds acceptable. All you can do as a slave is accept and obey. This is where the hard work is done. Adopting a new way of being and thinking is hard, very hard. But it is worth it in so many ways. You will receive a level of commitment from your Master you will not have thought possible. You will be cosseted and protected, respected and loved. Now isn’t all that worth a bit of hard work on your part?

One thing I can’t tell you is what form this hard work will take, for you. Everyone is different. Every Master wants different things from His perfect slave. It’s the old “your mileage will differ” thing. All I can say is, it will be worth it. There is some good news – as your slavery deepens you begin to need the control of your Master. So the whole changing your thoughts and behavior thing becomes easier. So if you are going through the changes at the moment, don’t worry, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Honest.

Completing your submission (as a slave girl).

As a submissive, your submission, and the levels therein, are at your discretion. You set the boundaries and your Dom, if he is a good one, will respect them. As a slave you have no right to set boundaries. These are completely at the discretion of your Master. Everything you are, everything you will ever be, belongs solely to your Master. Complete dependence brings complete vulnerability. Sound scary? Well it scared me, until my Master told me something that changed my perspective. Master told me that my vulnerability kept me safe. If I didn’t think or act independently then how could I get into trouble. It took me a while to understand this one. But this is what I think He meant.

Independent thoughts happen, it’s a function of being human. You can’t stop yourself from thinking. But what you can do is try to not think about things you have been told not to. Any improper thoughts you do have, those little intrusive ones that we all have every day can’t really be stopped. But when you do have them it is how you react that’s the important thing. Not acting on and dismissing the thoughts you know your Master would not like is core behaviour for the slave. It very quickly becomes second nature. This is why it completes your submission and enslavement.

As mentioned earlier, by the time you get to this point you will need your Master to control your thoughts. The reason for this is sustainability. Not all D/s and M/s relationships last. But there is one thing that can help: the slave’s own ‘Internal Enslavement’.

If you are anything like me you will have read anything you could get your hands on. I did nothing but Web searches on submission and slavery for about 4 months solid. I kept coming across sites on Internal Enslavement. I thought then that the idea was unthinkable. How could you make a person into a slave who is unable to leave you? To make them enslave themselves to that degree. Well now I know and understand. This is the only way you can turn a lifestyle that is in theory, a nice fantasy, into something that can be sustained over, well, a lifetime. If your mindset were not altered, you would become, over time, disillusioned and unhappy in your role as slave. With all the restrictions and rules that we slaves have, think back to when you were at school. Your life was regimented and dull, no real power, no say in decisions. Just like being a slave. Lets face it if slavery was like that then I would be a vanilla girl, wouldn’t you? But with your newfound need to serve, to belong, to obey, your life will be as full and enriching as mine now is. The fantasy can become a reality and a sustainable one at that.

Real time lifestyle (with kids).

As I think I have said, I am a mother. Having a Master who comes first in my life may sound like I put the kids second. Not a chance. My children are my world. They come first in the pecking order. Master often jokes in this house we have a Master, a midi Dom and a daddy Dom.

Admittedly, being a slave, rather than a sub, is more intense. And there are more rituals and stricter boundaries. But you must make sure the children do not see any of it. I think all I am saying is use your common sense. If you can have a vanilla or a D/s relationship while little Johnny and Suzy are still at home. Then you can do the same with a M/s relationship. The only thing my kids know is that mummy is happier than she has ever been. Why that is, is a complete mystery to them. I for one intend to keep it that way.

One last thing.

When I started writing this, Master and I were not living together. Well nothing stands still in life. I moved in with my Master in August 2005. I am still a very happy slave. This lifestyle, although not for everyone, is just perfect for me. My Master is kind, loving and strong. My kids are happy and love their step dad. All is well in my world.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If it has helped, even in the smallest way, then it was worth the time it took to write. Good luck with your journey. May you be as happy and fulfilled as I am.

Pet,  slave of Master Stuart’s

email address prospero234@hotmail.com

also read Pet’s article on Thoughts on slavery