Good question! It can mean bondage and discipline (B&D),
dominance and submission (D/s), or sadomasochism (S&M) There are more
definitions for each of those words than Baskin-Robbins has flavours. In
fact, there are as many meanings as there are people trying to tell you
what it all means. This is not intended as a "be-all-end-all" on BDSM;
it's merely a guide put together from many different sources, not the
least of which is my own head.
It most often means sex involving dominance and submission. There are
numerous variations, none of which can be termed more correct than the
other. BDSM (or S&M, D/s, B&D) ranges from spanking to bondage to
tickling to "flogging" or whipping. You as an individual set the limits
in agreement with your partner.
People often get the wrong idea of what BDSM means. The truth is that
this alternate form of sexuality has nothing to do with destructive
behaviour. A 'D' (dominant, top, sadist, master/mistress) person simply
wants to dominate in sex while the "s" (submissive, bottom, masochist,
slave) person often wants to be stripped of any initiative. You can be
both, or either, switching roles as part of your play or swapping
'sides' over time.
BDSM And Feelings.
BDSM supplements the more commonly accepted sexual feelings. You may
perhaps wonder if loving someone and practicing BDSM can be combined?
The answer is yes. You feel love the same way as other
people except a BSDM relationship frequently seems much more intensive
and passionate. Openness and trust, meaning communication, are absolute
musts in a BDSM relationship. If your partner allows you to dominate it
is a sign of absolute faith in you. This faith is based on knowledge
about your partner and the limits that must be respected. You will
realize the full meaning of words like affection, intimacy and passion.
As a form of insurance, BDSM partners should agree on 'codewords' (also
called 'safewords') the "s" person would say in order to stop or
moderate the 'session' if it's become too intense.
Is there still room for excitement when you know your partner inside
out, you may ask? The answer, again, is yes. Openness and trust clear
the ground for activating your fantasies. This in turn heightens
intimacy, passion and ecstasy. But keep in mind that fantasy and
reality, as in other aspects of life, don't always match.
As indicated already, there is no right or wrong form of BDSM play.
For instance, you don't necessarily have to stay either master or slave
in a relationship. Some want to incorporate a form of BDSM in most
aspects of life. Others limit dominance and submission to sex, as part
of the playful side in a relationship. (or something in between!)
In the beginning, you may well find it hard to express your feelings
in words. You may wonder what the reason behind all this is. Experts
can't pinpoint exactly what circumstances make a person turn on to BDSM.
Possible traumatic experiences in one's childhood are not necessarily
important factors. Think about it this way instead: You're not alone out
there; we're all in the same boat. There are many support organizations
out thereto help you learn and to assist you in accepting and enjoying
your sexuality.
How Can BDSM Be 'Practiced'?
Dominance and submission provide the key to BDSM. Many people play roles
in which they act out various forms of dominance, punishment and
subjugation. A certain sense of humour does not hurt in an S&M fantasy.
Bondage is one of the more 'common' forms of BDSM. Bondage covers
everything from soft silk scarves in bed to chains. Spanking and
whipping are just as common but the degree to which these activities is
carried out varies greatly. It is important to remember that the limits
are set by the "s" partner. Many begin with a light warm-up, a spanking
is one way, and gradually increase the sting or "thud" sensation to the
pleasure/tolerance level of the "s". Symbolic gestures and the
imagination and feelings of the partners before and after the punishment
are just as important as the spanking or whipping itself.
BDSM play can be an extremely emotional experience for "either end of
the whip" (or flog or paddle or strap or...). A very important aspect of
"after-play" is aftercare. The "D" may be experiencing feelings
of insecurity over their enjoyment of 'hurting' their partner (this is
more common with, but not limited to, a novice). The "s", especially a
novice (but, again, not limited to), will probably be running through a
wide range of emotions that may well include tears. This is frequently a
better time for mutual holding and soothing than it is for a Q&A
session. Talk, communication, is essential, that can't be stressed
enough, but allow some time to pass for the whirling emotions to settle.
THEN talk. And talk. And be honest. This is where tact and
that aforementioned sense of humor can be a great help. Be sensitive to
your partner's needs.
"Ok, I wanna 'Play', now what?"
Read. Learn. Practice. Play. Read. Have fun. The words safe, sane,
and consensual are the foundations of this 'lovestyle'. (did
I mention Read?) BDSM isn't about abuse. It isn't about a powerplay.
It's about finding the things that feel good and right to
yourself and, most importantly, with your partner. Take the time to
study up on the subject. There are a ton of good and informative books
out there. I urge you to check out the D/s Kiosk link on my Main page.
They are a resource center beyond any other I've seen so far. But,
remember, every book is nothing more than a guide. There are no rule
books, no predefined "this-is-the-way-it-is" laws. Take what you read
and adapt it to suit your own individual flavor of BDSM, within the vast
boundaries of safe, sane, and consensual. Because even the meaning of
those three words varies from person to person! (but do have fun,
while you're at it, it just ain't worth it, otherwise!)
Safe means no injuries. It means taking precautions to ensure
that such possibilities are minimized. It means picking your partner
carefully, even if you're only getting together for what may only be a
single day or night.. or a few hours. Especially in such cases.
Sane is to be aware of your and your partners limits. If you
want to continue playing with your toy, don't break it. Be aware that
not all damage is visible to the eye. You don't want your partner to
spend the next 2 years of their life in therapy.
Consensual is about consent. Mutual consent. With all parties
involved. It's imperative that limits, likes, dislikes, etc, be worked
out prior to any play, not in the middle of a scene. This is a
good time to establish safewords, too. Remember, if your partner doesn't
want to do it, it isn't BDSM, it's abuse. BDSM includes a wide
range of activities involving a negotiated transfer of power between
consenting partners. BDSM is not about abuse or other nonconsensual
activities.
What the Hell Are They Talking About?
A Glossary for the Uninitiated
These definitions are set down here for your entertainment. Please do
not carve them in stone anywhere or tattoo them on visible parts of your
anatomy. I did not come up with these, please take any gender
references and change them to suit yourself.
- Bottom: the one with her butt in the air and tongue hanging out
- Consensual: agreeable to all involved
- Dominant: power-hungry bitch
- Endorphins: happy drugs released by the brain when you're in love,
in pain, or eating chocolate
- Limits: the point at which something fun becomes un-fun
- Masochist: endorphin addict
- Negotiation: exchanging info before a scene -- what you've done,
what you might do, what's a definite no-no
- Novice: new or inexperienced pervert
- Pervert: practices kinky sex (and practices and..)
- Play Party: SM sex party
- Rebel Bottom: likes to make power-hungry bitches prove it
- Sadist: gets all wet from making girls moan and scream
- Safe Word: a pre-set word or signal that means "slow down" or
"stop" -- useful if you like to scream "no" when you really mean
"yes"!
- Scene: a date or period of time set off for SM play
- Submissive: likes to keep power-hungry bitches happy
- Switch: enjoys topping and bottoming (not usually at the same
time!)
- Top: the Big Cheese; sports a nasty smile and nastier implements
- Vanilla: good ol' egalitarian licking, sucking and fucking!
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